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Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie |
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Front Row | Baba | Thank U | Are You Still Mad | Sympathetic Character | That I Would Be Good | The Couch | Can't Not | UR | I Was Hoping | One | Would Not Come | Unsent | So Pure | Joining You | Heart Of The House | Your Congratulations |
Do you go to the dungeon to find out how to make peace with your days in the dungeon writing a letter to you don't make me feel any more peaceful that how I felt when we weren't speaking because I didn't cop to what I did. I can't love you because we're supposed to have professional boundaries. I'd like you to be schooled and in awe as though you were kissed by god full on the lips. I'm in the front row the front row with popcron I get to see you see you close up. I'm too tired to recount the unpleasantries one by one one minute I want to banish you the next I want to be on a deserted island with you along with my three favorite cd's ambivalent yet in your bed we've yet to acknowledge what's really happened.
Slid into the ditch I have this overwhelming loss of ambition we said let's name thirty good reasons why we shouldn't be together I start by saying things like "you smoke" "you live in New Jersey(too far)" you started saying things like "you belong to the world" all of which could have been easily refuted but the conversation was hypothetical I am totally short of breath for you why can't you shut your stuff off..... I'm in the front row the front row with popcorn. I get to see you see you close up and I laughed until my lungs hurt I love how you bust my chops you don't always feel seen sometimes you feel erasable unfortunately I cannot reciprocated in my current state I think we should be careful of how much time we spend together.
.......for a while while I'm speaking you know how much you hate to be interrupted maybe spend some time alone fill up your provebial cup so that it doesn't always have to be about you I've been wanting your undivided attention I like the fact that you're nothing like me are you not burdened by the lack of perspective people have of your charmed life(seemingly)? I'm in the front row the front row with popcoren I get to see you see you close up you never meant to be ungrateful nor held up to be whipped or wept for certainly not analysed prodded at more ways than one apparently you've been misrepresented dealing with the concept of arrows being slung towards your outrageous fortune.
Hey I'm not mad at you guardian I'm mad at myself for spending so much time with you and your jeckyl and hydeness I'm glad I figuratively slapped you on the wrist you laughed a wicked laugh and said "come here let me clip your wings!"(I know he's blood but you can still turn him away you don't owe him anything) "raise the roof" he yelled "yeah raise the roof!" I yelled back. (unfortunately you need a health scare to repriortize.) no thanks to the soap box. having me rile against them won't make an ounce of difference..... I'm in the front row the front row with popcorn. I get to see you see you close up oh the things I've done for you may a sitch a friend a man's been left for you oh the books I've read for you the tongues I've bitten for you many a new city for you many a risk taken for you(not a single regret).
How 'bout getting off of these antibiotics
How 'bout stopping eating when I'm full up
How 'bout them transparent dangling carrots
How 'bout that ever elusive kudo
Thank you india
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frality
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence
How 'bout me not blaming you for everything
How 'bout me enjoying the moment for once
How 'bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
How 'bout grieving it all one at a time
Thank you india
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frality
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence
The moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it
Was the moment I touched down
How 'bout no longer being masochistic
How 'bout remembering your divinity
How 'bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How 'bout not equating death with stopping
Thank you india
Thank you providence
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness
Thank you clarity
Thank you thank you silence
Are You Still Mad
Are you still mad that I kicked you out of bed?
Are you still mad I gave you ultimatums?
Are you still mad I compared you to all
My forty year old male friends?
Are you still mad I shared our problems with everybody?Are you still mad I had an emotional affair?
Are you still mad I tried to mold you into
Who I wanted you to be?
Are you still mad I didn't trust your intentions?
Of course you are
Of course you areAre you still mad that I flirted wildly?
Are you still mad I had a tendency to mother you?
Are you still mad that I had one foot out the door?
Are you still mad that we slept together even after
We had ended it?
Of course you are
Of course you areAre you still mad I wore the pants most of the time?
Are you still mad that I seemed to focus
Only on your potential?
Are you still mad that I threw in the towel?
Are you still mad that I gave up long before you did?
Of course you are
Of course you are
Sympathetic Character
I was afraid you'd hit me if I'd spoken up I was
Afraid of your physical strength I was afraid
You'd hit me below the belt I was afraid of your
Sucker punch I was afraid of your reducing me
I was afraid of your alcohol breath I was afraid
Of your complete disregard for me I was afraid
Of your temper I was afraid of handles being
Flown off of I was afraid of holes being punched
Into walls I was afraid of your testosteroneI have as much rags as you have
I have as much pain as you do
I've lived as much hell as you have
And I've kept mine bubbling under for youYou were my best friend
You were my lover
You were my mentor
You were my brother
You were my partner
You were my teacher
You were my very own sympathetic characterI was afraid of verbal dangers I was afraid of the
Calm before the storm I was afraid for my own
Bones I was afraid of your seduction I was afraid
Of your coersion I was afraid of your rejection
I was afraid of your intimidation I was afraid of
Your punishment I was afraid of your icy silences
I was afraid of your volume I was afraid of your
Manipulation I was afraid of your explosionsI have as much rags as you have
I have as much pain as you do
I've lived as much hell as you have
And I've kept mine bubbling under for youChorus * Chorus
You were my keeper
You were my anchor
You were my family
You were my saviour
And therein lay the issue
And therein lay the problem
That I would be good even if I did
nothing
That I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
That I would be good if I got and stayed sick
That I would be good even if I gained ten pounds
That I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
That I would be great if I were no longer queen
That I would be grand if I was not all knowing
That I would be loved even when I numb myself
That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
That I would be loved even when I was fuming
That I would be good even if I was clingy
That I would be good even if I lost
sanity
That I would be good even
Whether with or without you
You hadn't seen your father in such a long time
He died in the arms of his lover how dare he
Your mother never left the house
She never married anyone else you took it upon yourself to console her
You reminded her so much of your father
So you were banished and you wonder why you're so hypersensitive
And why you can't trust anyone but us
But then how can I begin to forgive her so many years under bridges with dirty
water
She was foolish and selfish and cowardly if you ask me
I don't know where to begin in all my 50 odd years
I have been silently suffering and adapting perpetuating and enduring
Who are you younger generation to tell me that I have unresolved problems
Not many examples of fruits of this type of excruciating labour
How can you just throw words around like grieve and heal and
mourn
I feel fine we may not have been born as awake as you were
It was much harder in those days we had paper routes uphill both ways
We went from school to a job to a wife to instant parenthood
I walked into his office I feel so self-conscious on the couch
He was sitting down across from me he was writting down his hypothesis I don't
know
I've got a loving supportive wife who doesn't know how involved she should get
You say his interjecting was him just calling me on my shit?
Just the other day my sweet daughter I was driving past 203 I
walked up the stairs in my mind's eye
I remember how they would creak loudly
She was only responsive with a drink he was only responsive by photo
I was only trying to be the best big brother I could
I walked sometimes confused sometimes ready to crack open wide
Sometimes indignant sometimes raw
Can you imagine I pay him 75 dollars an hour sometimes
It feels like highway robbery
And sometimes it's peanuts
I wish it would last a couple more hours
So here we both are batting similar demons(not coincidentally)
You see it getting beyond knowing it solely intellectually you're not
relinquishing your mastery
You are wise you are warm you are courageous you are big
And I love you more now that I ever have in my whole life
Can't Not
I'd be lying if I said I was completely unscathed
I might be proving you right with my silence of my retaliation
Would I be letting you win in my non reaction?
How would I explain?
How would I explain this to my children if I had them?
Because I can't not
Because I can't not
Because I can't afford to be misread one more time
Would I be whinning if I said I needed a hug?
Would you feel slighted if I said your love's not enough?
How can I complain?
How can I complain when I'm the one who reaches for it?
Because I can't not
Because I can't not
Because I can't walk without my crutches
Because I can't not
Because I can't not
Because I can't help wonder why you ask me
To all the unheard wisdom in the schoolyard
You think you're the right ones
You think you're the charmed ones I'm sure
How can you go on with such conviction?
And who do you think you are and why do you question me?
Because I can't not
Because I can't not
Because I can't help laugh at underestimations
Because I can't not
Because I can't not
Because I can't afford to be misled one more time
Because I can't not
Because I can't not
Because I cannot help without your willingness
Why do you affect me? Why do you affect me still?
Why do you hinder me? Why do you hinder me still?
Why do you unnerve me? Why do you do you unnerve me still?
Why do you trigger me? Why do you trigger me still?
Burn the books they've got too many names and psychoses
All this incriminating evidence would surely haunt me
If someone broke into my house
Suits in the living room
Do you realize guys I was born in 1974
We've got someone here to explain your publishing
We know how much you love to be in front of audiences
Hopeful you are
Schoolbound you are
Naive you are
Driven you are
Take a trip to new york with your guardian
And your fake identification
When they said "is there something anything
You'd like to know young lady?"
You said "yes I'd like to know what kind of people
I'll be dealing with"
Precocious you are
Headstrong you are
Terrified you are
Ahead of your time you are
Don't mind our staring but
We're surprised you're not in a far-gone asylum
We're surprised you didn't crack up
Lord knows that we would've
We would've like to have been there
But you keep pushing us away
Resilient you are
Big time you are
Ruthless you are
Precious you are
As we were talking outside it was cold we were shivering yet
warmed by the subject matter
My wife is in the next room we've been having troubles you know please don't
tell her or anyone
But I need to talk to somebody
You said "wouldn't it be a shame if I knew how great I was five minutes
before I died I'd be filled
With such regret before I took my last breath" and I said "you're
willing to tell me this now
And you're not going to die any time soon"
And I said I haven't been eating chicken or meat or anything and you said yes
But you've been wearing leather and laughed and said we're at the top of the
food chain
And yes you're still a fine woman and I cringed
I was hoping I was hoping we could heal each other
I was hoping I was hoping we could be raw together
We left the restaurant where the head waiter(in his 60's) said "good-bye
sir thank you for your business sir you're
Successful and established sire and we like the frequency with which you dine
here sir
And your money" and when I walked by they said "thank you too
dear" I was all pigtails and cords
And there was a day when I would've said something like "hey dude I could
buy and sell this place to kiss it"
I too once thought I was owed something
I was hoping I was hoping we could challenge each other
I was hoping I was hoping we could crack each other up
I too thought that when proved wrong I lost somehow
I too once thought life was cruel
It's a cycle really you think I'm withdrawing and guilt tripping you I think
you're insensitive
And I don't feel heard and I said do you beleive we are fundamentally
judgmental? Fundamentally evil?
And you said yes I said I don't beleive in revenge in right or wrong good or bad
you said
"Well what about the man that I saw handcuffed in the emergency room
bleeding after beating his kid
And she threw a shoe at his head.
I think what he did was wrong and I would've had a hard time feeling compassion
for him"
I had to watch my tone for fear of having you feel judged.
I was hoping I was hoping we could dance together
I was hoping I was hoping we could be creamy together.
I am the biggest hypocrite
I've been undeniably jealous
I have been loud and pretentious
I have been utterly threatened
I've gotten candy for my self-interest
The sexy treadmill capitalist
Heaven forbid I be criticized
Heaven forbid I ben ignored
I have abused my power forgive me
You mean we actually are all one
One one one one one one one
I've been out of reach and separatist
Heaven forbid average(whatever average means)
I have compensated for my days
Of powerlessness
I have abused my so-called power forgive me
You mean we actually are all one
one one one one one one one
Did you just call her amazing?
Surely we both can't be amazing!
And give up my hard earned status
And fabulous freak of nature?
I have abused my power forgive me
You mean we actually are all one
One one one one one one one
Always looked good on paper
Sounded good in theory
If I make a lot of tinsel then people will want to
If I am hardened no fear of further abandonment
If I am famous then maybe I'll feel good in this skin
If I am cultured my words will somehow garner respect
I would throw a party still it would not come
I would bike run swim and still it would not come
I'd go traveling and still it would not come
I would starve myself and still it would not come
If I'm masculine I would be taken more seriously
If I take a break it would make me irresponsible
If I'm elusive I will surely be sought after often
If I need assistance then I must be incapable
I'd be filthy rich and still
It would not come
I would suduce them and still
It would not come
I would drink vodka and still
It would not come
I'd have an orgasm still
It would not come
I'll be inpenetrable
If I'm aloof no one will know
When they strike a nerve
If I keep my mouth shut the boat
Will not have to be rocked
If I am vunerable I will be
Trampled upon
I would go shopping and still
It would not come
I'd leave the country and still
It would not come
I would scream and rebel still
It would not come
I would stuff my face and still
It would not come
I'd be productive and still it would not come
I'd be celebrated still it would not come
I'd be the hero and still it would not come
I'd renunciate and still it would not come
Dear mathew I like you a lot I realize you're in a relationship with someone right now and I respect that I would like you to know that if you're ever single in the future and you want to come visit me in california I would be open to spending time with you and finding out how old you were when you wrote your first song
Dear jonathan I liked you too much I used to be attracted to boys who would like to me and think solely about themselves and you were plenty self-destructive for my taste at the time I used to say the more tragic the better the truth is whenever I think of the early 90's your face comes up with a vengenance like it was yesterday
Dear terrance I love you muchly you've been nothing but open hearted and emotionally availabe and supportive and nurturing and consummately there for me I kept drawing you in and pushing you away I remember how beautiful it was to fall asleep on your couch and cry in front of you for the first time you were the best platform from which to jump beyond myself what was wrong with me
Dear marcus you rocked my world you had a charismatic way about you with the women and you got me seriously thinking about spirituality and you wouldn't let me get away with kicking my own ass but I could never really feel relaxed and looked out for around you though and that stopped us from getting any further than we did and it's kinda too bad because we could've had much more fun
Dear lou we learned so much I realize we won't be able to talk for some time and I understand that as I do you the long distance thing was the hardest and we did as well as we could we were together during a very tumultuous time in our lives I will always have your back and be curious about you and about your career you whereabouts
You from new york you are so relevant
You reduce me to cosmic tears
Luminous more so than most anyone
Unapologetically alive knot in my stomach
And lump in my throat
I love you when you dance when you freestyle in trance
So pure such an expression
Supposed former infatuation junkie
I sink three pointers and you wax poetically
I love you when you dance when you freestyle in trance
So pure such an expression
Let's grease the wheel over tea
Let's discuss things in confidence
Let's be outspoken let's be rediculous
Let's solve the world's problems
I love you when you dance when you freestyle in trance
So pure such an expression
Dear dar(lin') your mom(my friend) left a message on my
machine she was frantic
Saying you were talking crazy that you wanted to do away with yourself
I guess she thought I'd be a perfect resort because we've had this inexplicable
connection since our youth and
Yes they're in shock they are panicked you and your chronic them and their drama
You this embarrassment us in the middle of this delusion
If we were our bodies
If we were our futures
If we were our defenses I'd be joining you
If we were our culture
If we were our leaders
If we were our denials I'd be joining you
I remember vividly a day years ago we were camping you knew more than you
thought you should know
You said "I don't want ever to be brainwashed" and you were
mindboggling you were intense
You were uncomfortable in your own skin you were thirsty but mostly you were
beautiful
If we were our nametags
If we were our rejections
If we were our outcomes I'd be joining you
If we were our indignities
If we were our successes
If we were our emotions I'd be joining you
You and I we're like 4 year olds we want to know
why and how come about everything
We want to reveal ourselves at will and speak our minds and never talk small and
be intuitive
And question mightily and find god my tortured beacon
We need to find like-minded companions
If we were our condemnations
If we were our projections
If we were our paranolas I'd be joining you
If we were our incomes
If we were our obsessions
If we were our afflictions I'd be joining you
We need reflection we need a really good memory feel free to call me a little
more often.
You are the original template
You are the original exemplary
How seen were you actually?
How revered were you (honestly) at the time?
Why pleased with your low maintenance?
You loved us more than we could've loved you back
Where was your ally your partner in feminine crime?
Oh mother who's your buddy?
Oh mother who's got your back?
The heart of the house
The heart of the house
All hail to goddess!
You were "good ol'"
You were "count on 'er 'til four am"
You saw me run from the house
In the snow melodramatically
Oh mother who's your sister
Oh mother who's your friend
The heart of the house
The heart of the house
All hail to goddess!
We left the men and we went for a walk in the gatineaus
And talked like women like women to women would
Womyn to womyn would "where did you get that from
Must've been your father your dad"
I got it from you I got it from you
Do you see yourself in my gypsy garage sale ways?
In my fits of laughter?
In my tinkerbell tendencies?
In my lack of colour coordination?
I wouldn't have compromised as much
So much of myself for fear of
Having you hating me
I would've sung so loudly
It would've crack myself!
I became self-conscious
Of anything exuberant
I wouldn't have sold myself short
I wouldn't have kept my eyes
glued to the ground
If I had've known my invisibility
Would not make a difference
I would've run around screaming proudly
At the top of my voice
I wouldn't have said it was in fact luck
I'm talking idealism here
I would not have been so self deprecating
I wouldn't have cowered
For fear of having my eyes scratched out!
I wouldn't have cut my comfort off
I wouldn't have feigned needlessness
I would not have discredited
Every one of your compliments
It was your approval I wanted
Your congratulations
